Hey there MAA. I wanted to get back into the habit of writing which I had fallen out of after school started again, and I figured a great way to do that was to make people expect writing from me XD
So as a few of you know (Alexa!), this is my novel Fallen, though I have been making serious changes to the story and am interested in feedback on it's new iteration!
Any advice at all is neccisary. This is only my first novel, and only the second draft, so I need all the help I can get!
Thank you for your time!
Hope it's not to cheddar for you all. It's still quite rough.
- Prologue -
Pain shot into my brain like a searing needle.
No, strike that. A literal, honest to God needle shot into my brain.
I tore my eyes open and took a sharp breath. A cloaked hand hovered over my face, squeezing the needle into my temple.
He flinched slightly when I woke, but held the needle to my me. “Well Hodgens, she’s awake now.”
Damn right I’m awake. You stuck a fucking needle in my face, what did you expect to happen? My voice was trapped behind a walnut sized lump in my throat.
He pulled the needle from my head, now empty, but still burned like he'd injected me with Tabasco. He shined a light in my eye and stepped away from me. I was trying to slow my panting breathe, trying to calm my pounding head and panicking heart.
I saw through blurred vision that I was in a small, sterile room reminiscent of a hospital; or rather, a vet. It was devoid of cheap motivational posters or children’s anatomical charts, instead the walls were lined with tables of beakers and blinking computers. Three people in white lab coats (obviously) worked about the room, mixing and looking at diagrams on the walls.
Between bouts of dizziness and nausea that had begun surging through me, I noticed I was indeed strapped to a table, hung vertically. The leather bindings cut into my skin, choking and strangling me. I struggled to escape them, writhing and banging my head on the table.
A woman looked up from a clipboard and walked over to me. She put a hand over my forehead, as if to check if I was ill. God forbid while being tortured by psychotic scientists I catch the sniffles. “Dear, you are a violent one. Shame your beauty had to be wasted on such a tempered soul.” I spat on her face.
She pulled back her hand and wiped her face. “Lacarski, have the prep-fluids taken effect?”
“Yes ma’am. We can start extracting in a few moments, as soon as the software is finished booting up.”
“Good. Oh and Lacarski,”
“Ma’am?”
“Keep her awake this time. The device would work so much better if she was,” she smiled a thin, self assured smile. “fully aware.”
The cloaked man walked over again, now holding a long, jagged metal barb trailed by wires. He looked right into my eyes and scoffed. “An angel, they say. You aren’t a daughter of God, and we’re going to find out who really made you.” He grabbed my bangs and pulled down hard, reaching behind my neck with the metal barb, then pressed it into the back of my skull. I cried out, blinded by pain and tears, and images began to flash before my eyes. Stars. A fire. A bloody lead pipe. A young girl.
Then I fell into my head, into my past.
So as a few of you know (Alexa!), this is my novel Fallen, though I have been making serious changes to the story and am interested in feedback on it's new iteration!
Any advice at all is neccisary. This is only my first novel, and only the second draft, so I need all the help I can get!
Thank you for your time!
Hope it's not to cheddar for you all. It's still quite rough.
FALLEN
- Prologue -
Pain shot into my brain like a searing needle.
No, strike that. A literal, honest to God needle shot into my brain.
I tore my eyes open and took a sharp breath. A cloaked hand hovered over my face, squeezing the needle into my temple.
He flinched slightly when I woke, but held the needle to my me. “Well Hodgens, she’s awake now.”
Damn right I’m awake. You stuck a fucking needle in my face, what did you expect to happen? My voice was trapped behind a walnut sized lump in my throat.
He pulled the needle from my head, now empty, but still burned like he'd injected me with Tabasco. He shined a light in my eye and stepped away from me. I was trying to slow my panting breathe, trying to calm my pounding head and panicking heart.
I saw through blurred vision that I was in a small, sterile room reminiscent of a hospital; or rather, a vet. It was devoid of cheap motivational posters or children’s anatomical charts, instead the walls were lined with tables of beakers and blinking computers. Three people in white lab coats (obviously) worked about the room, mixing and looking at diagrams on the walls.
Between bouts of dizziness and nausea that had begun surging through me, I noticed I was indeed strapped to a table, hung vertically. The leather bindings cut into my skin, choking and strangling me. I struggled to escape them, writhing and banging my head on the table.
A woman looked up from a clipboard and walked over to me. She put a hand over my forehead, as if to check if I was ill. God forbid while being tortured by psychotic scientists I catch the sniffles. “Dear, you are a violent one. Shame your beauty had to be wasted on such a tempered soul.” I spat on her face.
She pulled back her hand and wiped her face. “Lacarski, have the prep-fluids taken effect?”
“Yes ma’am. We can start extracting in a few moments, as soon as the software is finished booting up.”
“Good. Oh and Lacarski,”
“Ma’am?”
“Keep her awake this time. The device would work so much better if she was,” she smiled a thin, self assured smile. “fully aware.”
The cloaked man walked over again, now holding a long, jagged metal barb trailed by wires. He looked right into my eyes and scoffed. “An angel, they say. You aren’t a daughter of God, and we’re going to find out who really made you.” He grabbed my bangs and pulled down hard, reaching behind my neck with the metal barb, then pressed it into the back of my skull. I cried out, blinded by pain and tears, and images began to flash before my eyes. Stars. A fire. A bloody lead pipe. A young girl.
Then I fell into my head, into my past.
)so I hope that the first chapter is as enticing as this was 